The things we have to do in life that really just suck

Jody and I are blessed with 2 dogs.  Muffin is a terrier mix that is almost 12 years old.  Houdini is an Australian Shepherd Mix that is almost 9.  We got Muffin out of the paper as a "free to good home" dog and Dini was a pound puppy.  Both dogs have had wonderful lives.

Muffin has always had some problems.  She has had intestinal issues over the years and HORRIFIC allergies to the grass in my backyard.  We have been to the vet many times to find out what is really wrong with her only to be told, we are not sure.  At this stage she has no hair on her belly, she itches her day away and lives on Benadryl.

Now, I am one who is very resolved with death when it comes to my dog's quality of life.  Most nights Muffin comes inside scratches and sleeps.  She also goes through 2 stages each year where she loses alot of weight and then gains alot of weight.  She is at the skin and bones stage right now.  The poor puppy just is not looking happy more and more.  It kills me but I know that her quality of life is on the "it sucks" side right now.

Muffin has been a crazy dog for all of these years.  She is smart as a whip and literally torments Dini for all she is worth.  She is the Alpha dog.  Cade loves Muffin.  Knowing that she is not feeling well, we have designated the "Muffin Sick Pillow" on the couch.  When she is on the "sick pillow," Cade knows to leave Muffin alone.  Muffin would never bite or snap at Cade but knowing she is not feeling great, I worry.  Dini will be heartbroken at Muffin's passing.  Dini is not the brightest light in the Christmas tree and depends on Muffin a ton.

We have known it was coming for a month now.  That doesn't make it any easier.  My selfishness in not wanting to lose my dog makes me say, "oh she will pull through this again."  This time though, I don't think she will.  She wimpers alot so I know she doesn't feel well.  The hardest thing is knowing there is not a pinpoint on what exactly is wrong with her.  Besides allergies, she has never been diagnosed with anything specific.  That makes it difficult.

In my life, I have lost 2 very close dogs.  Cricket was my childhood pekingese.  He was with us for almost 18 years.  He passed away on my birthday.  Sticky was a dog that Jody and I got shortly before we got married.  He was a pound puppy and part Cocker and part Golden.  He was an awesome dog but was taken from us very early in life with cancer.  I know dog death.  I have experienced death with pets.  That doesn't make it any easier. :(

Preparing, Watching, Waiting

Tomorrow starts the season of the church year for many known as Advent.  Advent is the season of preparing, watching and waiting.  Every child understands it as preparing, watching and waiting for Christmas.  I mean, that is the important part, right?  We prepare the house for company and for little kids -- preparing the Christmas lists for Santa.  We watch as it gets colder and snows (if you are in the right parts of the world).  We watch the sale papers to get the best deals.  And the waiting...  Children wait in line to sit on Santa's lap.  We wait for Christmas dinner to be ready.  We wait for .... well lots of stuff (as Cade would put it) during this month.

So is that really what Advent is all about?  Is it all about getting to Christmas Day and all the stuff that goes with that?  I surely hope not.

Preparing -- How is the right way to prepare during this season and throughout the year?  We constantly avoid our God time.  We constantly worry about self gratification instantly instead of concentrating on our gratitude and giving that blesses others as well as blessing us. We need to prepare our hearts for God and not constantly worry about preparing our priority lists and our next big function.

Watching -- The more I know about God in my own life, the more I see God.  The Glory of God is EVERWHERE.  If we just would take time to relax and enjoy life, we would really see God.  (Yes, I am speaking to myself in alot of ways).

Waiting -- This is the hardest for me.  Much of my faith has questioned what exactly I am waiting for.  I understand it but I don't and I think that is ok.  I am waiting for something bigger than myself.  I am waiting for what is to come and even though I don't have words to express that in many ways, that makes the waiting that much more interesting.

Now, there are alot of other "ing" words during this season that I do think have their importance in my life and my faith.
Giving and loving - These are things we should ALWAYS do.  GIving of ourselves, giving to our friends and loved ones...give.  And love?  I could not exist without love.  In my own capacity, I am put on this earth to love others always unconditionally.

Wanting -Cade has figured out the wanting side of Christmas.  I want that, mommy.  I want that, mommy.  I really want that.  I hear it at least 10 times a day.  More than wanting, I think we long for something greater.  We long for a better life.  We long for what is to come.  I remember a song from National Youth Gathering a few years ago, "Bound for Greater Things" by Ken Medema.

We are bound for greater things
Bound to want a higher goal
Joined by dreams and led by vision
we will know the Grace of God

There are wonderful things that go into this season.  This Advent season helps to remind us of important parts of our faith.  We should really, though, focus and remember these things everyday of our lives.  As we go through the preparing and experiencing the sights and sounds of Christmas, let us each be mindful that we are preparing, waiting and watching for something WAY bigger than December 25.

AMEN

oh the joys of materialism and retail therapy

So, today is Black Friday.  Today is the day where the whole of America's retail industry is supposed to be in the "black" for the year.  Rock bottom prices abound on this the day after Thanksgiving.  This day, weekend rather always just amazes me.

So, what did I do at 3:00 am this morning -- you guessed it -- stood in line.  Insert rolling eyes here.  Now, before any passing judgement occurs, I strongly disagree with most bargaining techniques to lure the public to spend way beyond their means only to go into greater debt.  We are not a credit card family.  Every year we come to this time of year and save up a little extra for Christmas and for things we actually need.

So, what did  I wait in line for at 3:00 am this morning?  Jody and I now own an Acer Aspire Netbook.  We have a computer that has limped along and gets more and more error messages lately.  There is only so many registry fixes and defrags and memory resets that a computer can handle.  The upgrade has come for awhile and the deal was right.

What did I learn from all of this?  You meet interesting people standing in line at Sam's Club at 3 in the morning.  We talked about a little bit of everything.  We talked about family and church and how crazy we all must be to be out there.  A benefit of Sam's Club was only members were fighting for the best deals.  (Hey and continental breakfast).

It was a fun morning.  I got what I needed, had some good connecting time, and hey I finished a knitted gift too.  What amazed me was all of the people that just went crazy at the anticipation of the hunt -- the thrill of the best deal.  As I have said many times before, I am not a shopper.  I don't get alot of excitement out of browsing stores forever.  I circled what I wanted at Walmart and we got 1 of the things (jammies for Cade).

It was just so bizarre to watch materialism at its best.  Last year we bought a tv.  A tube in our TV was going out the first part of October.  We knew it was inevitable.  We saved the money and again were part of the thrill of Black Friday.  I don't think I will ever be that into the sales.  I don't think I will EVER go from store to store -- but, if the deal is right, I will do it.

May everyone get everything they desire and live within their means this holiday season.

AMEN

(and Cade looks really cute in his new Toy Story jammies)

Comfort

As everyone finishes their Thanksgiving meals, stuffing themselves with all sorts of yummies, watching games and parades, visiting and fighting with family (yeah we all do it),  I really start thinking about comfort.  You know that shiny happy feeling you get when everything just feels good.  (Yes, that is before you over stuff yourself).

This is the time of year when "comfort" comes most to mind.  This is when all the snuggly blankets, fleece pajamas and fuzzy slippers show up in the ads at WalMart and Target.  People, probably not in San Antonio, begin to build fires in the fire place, drink hot chocolate and get out the cozy winter coats.

So this got me thinking on this Thanksgiving day.  What are the most comforting and warm, fuzzy feelings in my world.  In the morning, Cade comes and joins us in bed.  "Mommy, can we snuggle?"  There is not a more comforting feeling in the world.  When Jody surprises me with something, anything just because.... that is very comforting.

Then, warm, snuggly soft yarn.  My favorite will always be Malabrigo.  It slides off needles like butter and is a joy to knit.  More comforting though is to be able to create gifts for family and friends that come from the heart.  Thoughts and prayers go into each stitch off the needles -- more than they could ever know.  Being able to make things for people, versus going to thousands of stores looking for the perfect gift (remember, I don't like to shop) just is very comforting.

The tastes and smells of the holiday season.  Starting at Halloween really -- I love the smells of candied apples, all things pumpkin, apple cider.  Thanksgiving comes with turkey and cranberries.  Both of these are favorites.  Then comes Christmas.  Spices and smells of Christmas just make one warm and fuzzy inside.

So, why do all of these things create comfort for me?  Many of the things that we find comforting in life are because of memories.  It is comforting to remember things in the past that are sparked from a smell or a feeling.  Many comforting things help us to feel the love and warmth from another.  Also, we can spread that love around -- very comfortable.

May all of my loved ones find comfort and peace in this world around them.

AMEN

A work of art

Ever since I was very young, I loved all things "art." I loved the process of creating art, I loved looking at art... everything. Over the past few days the subject of art has made it into several of my conversations.

At church, we have been creating prayer stones -- forming bits of clay and then when they harden writing words or drawings that help express our feelings in prayer.

I knit. Knitting has become my current creative expression of art. Knitters are such funny people and always get in arguments over types of yarn and ways people knit. The subject of novelty yarn had come up. Most either love it or hate it. Another knitter put it very simply -- novelty yarn is like junk food for the needles -- it is not good for you but sometimes you just have to use it. (for you non yarn people -- novelty yarn is like fun fur and goofy textures and usually all acrylic. This is as opposed to natural fibers).

Someone also described her knitting and designing as creating and a work of art. As we know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have knitted some items that I would not give my dog for a chew toy. I just don't find them aesthetical. There is always someone who loves them.

I used to paint and draw. These were my times of greatest spiritual release at that stage of my life. I would be inspired by songs or scriptures or really just life in general. I remember standing at a concert with 60,000 people all worshiping God It was breathtaking. I had to paint it. I had to find a way to express that joy onto that canvas.

I have also done a bit of sculpture and pottery. While these did not give me as much satisfaction and joy, I still found them quite enjoyable. One piece, pictured above, was with mixed media of chicken wire armature and paper mache. We were supposed to create a vessel of life. Forming and playing with the chicken wire reminded me of fire. I remembered growing up and the "planned burns" in West Texas of ranchland to help make the soil more rich. The piece became known as "Dying to be Reborn" and was displayed in an religious Art Show in downtown Chicago.

I was talking with a friend about digital art and he said it was "just on a computer." It wasn't like it was done with a paint brush. I disagree.

Through all of the different media I have used to create art throughout my life, I have found that even cutting little scraps of paper and gluing into a collage, provides me great comfort and joy. I become more aware of my surroundings because I notice the darks and the lights the positive and negative energies that are there.

Art is what you make it -- whatever you make it. Art is an expression of being, of loving and of beauty in every form.

AMEN

The Art of Just Being

Sundays are crazy busy. Usually by the time I slow down and take a breath, the world has flown past and it is time for bed. They are usually filled with stress, confusion, wild craziness, overscheduling... yeah and I love every minute of it normally.

Today was different. You might ask, how?
Easy answer -- I started it in silent prayerful meditation. Normally my Sundays start focused on such crazy energy that it is pure adrenaline. Today was not adrenaline. Today was passion. Today was the spirit. That is the only way I can explain it. I turned off all the lights in my office, lit a candle and prayed.

If someone had told me several months ago, that I would find time in my Sunday to stop and be, I would have laughed at them. Sundays are noisy. There is no other way of putting it. It is not bad noise, in fact on the contrary, Sundays rock. They are usually so full of busyness that it is awesome. The difference however, is because I started the day in peace, my day was a lot more peaceful.

I have been talking to my youth alot about prayer. Teaching people about how important prayer and quiet time is in this overscheduled world is hard. People don't want to think about adding one more thing to their schedules. That was the beauty of this though. I was sitting checking email, saw my candle I frequently use for quiet time and just did it.

2 months ago, ridding my head of the noise was difficult. Concentrating on my breathing and nothing else took alot of effort but not as much now. It is amazing when you slow the world down, how awake your senses become. I was drinking green tea (who would've thought). The flavors intensified because I had released the other noise. Candles are amazing. Watching them flicker and the light dancing and brightening is mesmerizing. When watching a candle during prayer time, the light is that much more amazing.

I spent time quietly going through my day. I spent time focusing on the things of my day that normally bring me stress and releasing those things from me. I focused on last Sunday and how energized and joyful the experiences were. I focused on my youth and the encounters I would have with them over the course of the day. I focused on just be-ing. I focused on not focusing.

So, what did I get from that whole experience. I was energized. I felt lighter and ready to take on whatever was thrown my way and just really concentrated on enjoying the day. The ease of the day, in all its busyness, did not seem quite as busy. And now as the day closes, I am still more excited for my passions, my vision and my calling. I am excited for the changes that are happening around me and with me and I want to share that with everyone I see.

How simple it was to just start the day in silence communing my spirit with God.
AMEN

Thanksgiving Status Updates -- part deaux

It has been a crazy interesting month. Earlier in my blogs I had started a "being thankful" blog. It was disjointed and not well thought out and I wanted to try it again.

Over the past month, people on Facebook have been posting "status updates" about what they are thankful for. It has been interesting. Some are grateful for little things that happen through the day, "post" Fort Hood shootings -- people posted about being thankful for safety and thankful for the survivors and such. Overall people have really had a lot of "fun" with this subject. (My husband even posted that he was thankful for his queen sized bed).

In my sermon preparation, last week on "giving" and "thanks," a friend asked "why we give?" I was reminded of this as I sat at our community Thanksgiving service for the Randolph Area Christian Assistance Program. The Pastor used the story Stone Soup to talk about the fact that we are all blessed. Because we are blessed, we bless others.

Sometimes we don't feel blessed. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut. Sometimes bad things happen. All of these things are fact. (or our opinion of the situation, I guess). We don't want to look at the whole picture and scratch beneath the surface. We want to see our glass as half empty. (all cliche's I know).

So for this Thanksgiving, let's scratch the surface. Let us look at the whole picture.

I'll start -- here is my "official" Thanksgiving Status Update
I'm thankful for my family. I have a loving and caring family. Yes we have put up with alot in our lives but we always come out on top. We support each other. We are fighters. We know that at the end of the day, we can all sit around and laugh about the world.

I am thankful that I live in a city that has a proud military existence. I don't know that I ever understood military life until I took my current position at Christ the King. I always appreciated it, yes, but I understand it better now. I lift up our armed forces in prayer at all times. I am proud of the freedom that they help me to have. I am honored to know and love them of all shapes and sizes. (active, retired and family members)

I am thankful to have a job that challenges, uplifts, blesses and provides in abundance. I love the people I work with, love the church that I serve and love all that goes with it. I am blessed to be a part of Christ the King Lutheran Church.

I am thankful to be able to enjoy the things in life that I love to do. I am blessed to be able knit, to be able to play the violin, to be able to exercise and enjoy it, to be able to play in parks with Cade... and oh so many things. There are many in this world that are not able to have fun and I am so blessed that I constantly have that opportunity.

I am blessed by the sights and sounds of this world that remind me that God is great. Being able to experience God's creation on so many levels is a truly beautiful thing.

I am thankful for my friends. My friends excite me. My friends challenge me. My friends teach me. My friends love me. My friends care. I could list them one by one but they all know who they are and I thank God for them daily.

I am thankful for experiences. I am thankful for the highs and the lows of life. All of life is a learning experience and I love that I can learn and grow in my understanding of this wonderful world. I am thankful for the good times that I can praise God for. I am also thankful for the bad times that help me learn something new about myself and grow in that.

I am thankful for so many things. More of those are revealed to me on an hourly basis sometimes. I am thankful for life. I could go on forever probably and still not totally cover everything.

Thank you God that I am able to be in this world and encounter everything that I am given. Help all of us this Thanksgiving understand what we are thankful for and to give thanks for those blessings every day of our lives.
AMEN

Signs, Signs everywhere are signs

I am coming upon another opportunity to preach next week. These are refreshing changes in my schedule and often give me the opportunity to learn a little more about myself as well as learning about scripture.

The upcoming passages for the Sunday deal alot with signs. (It's Advent of course.) Yesterday, I talked about my uncertainty in a sign I was being given. When we see a road sign, we know what we are supposed to do (stop, yield, turn), the signs from God can be a little more interesting.

Moses saw a burning bush. The burning bush was God telling him to lead the Israelites out of slavery. It was a pretty "in your face" sign from God. Yes, he could have avoided it, but he did not. Do we have those signs now? Does God show up and tell people to build big boats, does God come in burning bushes? Would we pay attention if it did happen?

I think throughout life we have signs, they may not be as in your face as a burning bush, but we have little "ways" of letting us know what the answer is supposed to be.

I remember when my mother had decided to retire from teaching kindergarten she called me one night worried about her decision. She was a life long teacher. It was all she knew. She worried whether it was really time to retire. I gave her the good "ministry" answer to her questions, "Well, mom, if you are supposed to retire now, God will let you know."

About a month later, my mother was headed to a school board meeting. Midland had always had kindergarten helpers that were Seniors in High School who sorta "student" taught and helped out in the classroom part time each day. The decision was being made as to whether Midland should have the program. They decided, for whatever reason, to abolish the program. That meant that her extra helpers were gone. She looked to God and said, "Ok I hear you."

I often wonder why we, or more specifically me I guess, don't look to God for guidance in decisions. We take for granted that guidance when it comes to problems and dilemmas. But even more than that, we miss the signs. We miss the roadblocks, the directional signs, the yield signs that God often throws directly in our path.

Why? I can answer that very simply for me. I like control. I like control. I like control. Letting go of that control and being aware of what God is doing in my life may seem easy, but I really like control.

I think it goes even one step further though. We get so caught up in our lists and our processes of life, the doing that we forget to experience. We forget the slow down. We forget to enjoy. I talk alot about my noise, but that is it. We don't let ourselves get rid of the noise and see the signs of God and from God that are right there in our face sometimes. We are so preoccupied with this and that that we lose reality of what is truly important.

AMEN

Certainty in Uncertainty-- Moses had it WAY easier

Way back in October (yes a month ago), I had my little experience with the "perfect oatmeal." I heard a little voice in my head, God, I don't know -- It said, "Let go of your uncertainty." I have been puzzled by this ever since then and still very much am. I figured it had to do with that whole experience of meditation and quiet prayer time that was very new to me in that capacity at that moment. I am unsure of that now. (yeah uncertain).

The reason is this "uncertain" word has come up alot in my prayers lately. I have NO idea really what I am uncertain about. I think I am pretty comfortable in life. I am very happy in my place in this world. Of course, as we all know, God likes to take us out of our comfort zone. BUT I LIKE TO BE COMFORTABLE!!!

So, today as I was driving back in silence (was very hard to get rid of noise today), there it was again. "Don't be uncertain because certainty is right before you." Ok, so those that know me, know that I don't use the words certainty and uncertain or anywhere in between. This is why it is so weird. What am I uncertain about? Do I know? Do I want to know? Is this some kinda of Moses and the burning bush thing that I don't see.

Listening to God seems easy most of the time. Assurance of where you are headed, difficulty in answering a question, gratitude -- you know all those things you are supposed to pray for. That is all well and fine but what am I uncertain of? Why can I not see that uncertainty?

Then God throws another curve ball at the fire. I get online after this revelation in the car and a friend tells me that she heard a song the other day that reminded her of me. JJ Heller's Your Hands.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Now, I have never heard this song in my life. (Apparently it is on KLove right now). The song WAY too uncomfortably talks about uncertainty.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???? Sometimes I think Moses had it easier with the burning bush in front of him.

Valuable lessons learned from unexpected people

It always amazes me people who don't see their gifts and valuable thoughts. I was reading a friend's blog today. She did not feel completely worthy to give a sermon because she thought her faith was a phony faith. She then followed those words with some of the most beautiful and profound words of faith that I have read in a long time. They were written (and spoken) from her heart on such a personal level that they were truly beautiful.

Faith is an interesting thing.

from wikipedia -- Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. The word "faith" can refer to a religion itself or to religion in general. As with "trust", faith involves a concept of future events or outcomes, and is used conversely for a belief "not resting on logical proof or material evidence. "Informal usage of the word "faith" can be quite broad, and may be used in place of "trust" or "belief."
Faith is often used in a religious context, as in theology, where it almost universally refers to a trusting belief in a transcendent reality, or else in a Supreme Being and/or this being's role in the order of transcendent, spiritual things.

One of the most interesting experiences doing children's sermon was when I served in a congregation in Illinois. Many times when giving children's sermon's I feel like I am speaking Greek. Either what I am saying doesn't make sense to them or they don't want to answer because they are scared or their parents said to be quiet in church. But this experience will always make me smile.

It was a new little boy, think he was 7 or 8, that I had not seen before. He was the only one that morning which is always a little awkward. I honestly don't remember what my lesson was about. I asked my first question and he immediately told me, "You know, you get to Jesus on a rocket ship." I was confused and at first thought he was just being silly. So, I continued with my lesson. He was insistent. "You have to get to Jesus by going on a rocket ship." I realized that I needed to respond. I said, "Oh really?" He responded, "Yes, you have to believe in Jesus and then you get to go on the rocket ship to be with Jesus. Jesus is way up high and that is how you get to him." It was at that moment that I understood his faith. It was an innocent understanding that he could put in concrete terms on his level. How could that be wrong?

After the service, his mother came up and apologized to me. I was confused and said, why the apology? She apologized for him being "disruptive" and explained that he was Asperger's Syndrome. She then humbly said that she would have him stay back if it was a problem that he be at Children's Sermon. I was taken aback by this. Yes, he had totally thrown my children's sermon off that morning. BUT...his understanding of faith and belief in Jesus was so innocent and so pure that it could never be wrong. He shared what he had felt at that moment needed to get out. I told the mother, please don't ever keep your child from children's sermons. I looked forward to him sharing his faith with me in the future.

People think that because people of ministry have more schooling, Theology degrees, Masters of Divinity, Doctorates, that we have to have all the answers. My degree in Theology must make me wiser in my faith. I realized that morning that that could not have been farther from the truth. Faith for me is such a personal thing. Faith and belief and the understandings of both are on such a personal level that they can't be "wrong" and need to be expressed on so many levels.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." The whole of chapter 11 talks about people with strong faiths that accepted what was before them to have faith in something far greater than themselves.

May we all understand that we are worthy to share our personal faith.
AMEN

Understanding the important things in life

I have a very supportive family. That has never been a secret. We are a small family but we are very close because of that, for the most part.

Pretty much it is my family (Jody, me and Cade), my sister's family (Jessica and her children Dillon and Madison), my mom and my dad. There are some extended family of course but mostly these are the people that mean the world to me.

My parents have always bent over backwards for Jessica and I. I would not say that we got EVERYTHING we wanted, but we were given some very awesome opportunities as kids. Jessica was a cheerleader and gymnast and lived the lifestyle as such. Me, I was the music person with Orchestra and Band. We lived very active lifestyles and must have run our parent's ragged.

There is no secret that my sister and I have never really been close. Don't know if she has started reading my blog, but I can guarantee she would agree. We could probably have been the poster children for sibling rivalry. We are pretty much as opposite as daylight and dark.

All that being said, I would walk through fire for my sister and I hope to say she would do the same.

All this is important right now, because my sister is about to close a chapter of her life and open a new unexpected chapter. It will be a hard, long road but a road I know that with her stubborn personality, she will come out on top. She always does.

In life, big changes make us understand what is important. We may have always known it but never really accepted it.

May God walk with my sister and her two children through this new journey.
AMEN

"Mommy, I have to ask you a question."

Cade is in such a cute stage right now. When he gets up in the middle of the night and doesn't want to go back to his bed, he says, "Mommy, can I snuggle with you." Who can argue with that.

Today I got him 2 knitted finger puppets at the Kid n Ewe and Llama's too (a yarn and fiber show). He is already planning a finger puppet show and says I will be invited.

Being a mommy is so much fun. He is in a total adventure stage right now. He likes to be a daredevil which of course scares mommy to death. He is also becoming very independent and wants to do EVERYTHING himself. It is hard to believe that just 5 years ago, I was pregnant not really understanding this awesome journey I would now be so excited with. Cade is a goof ball, he is inquisitive, he is excited about everything. All this makes being a mommy that much better.

All of these people out there in Facebook land and in general are spending alot of time talking about things they are thankful for for the whole month of November. I am most thankful that I am able to be a mommy. I am thankful that I have been blessed with a supportive husband that loves his son and would move mountains for him. I love that I have a cuddly little boy who just amazes me everyday with every little thing he does.

It's the little things in life sometimes that make you realize how blessed and thankful I am. I don't ever take for granted being a mommy but happy reminders of how awesome it is are a great thing.

"Mommy, can I ask you a question."
"Mommy, I love you"
"Mommy, Can we snuggle."
"I missed you, Mommy"
"I'm gonna sing you the song in my head"
"I WUV strawberries"

and oh so many more....
Life is good :)

Calling... Giving... loving ... caring.... listening ...

I have been alot of different places today. I have not actually left my office but I have been alot of different places in my own head today. So, as I have figured out and have to keep getting reminded of, that is when it is time for me to stop.

Calling -- I believe each of us is called to a different place in the world. I believe we each understand that calling differently. Some of us are called to be teachers. Some of us are called to be doctors. I understood my calling early in life, or at least received it even if I still don't fully understand it. I believe I am called to share the love of God with young people. Young people today are hurting, overscheduled, confused, confident, crazy and loved. They need to be loved. They need people to understand that they want people to listen to them. This is a calling I understand and accept in different ways everyday of my life. I want to reach out to young people in new and different ways to let them know that God is there. God cares even though they may feel battered, bruised, confused and overwhelmed with all that life is throwing at them.

Giving -- I have dealt with this in abundance this week. Doing a sermon on giving for a thankoffering service really focuses a person to fully define what giving means for them. All I have belongs to God. I know that God will provide for my every need even though I sometimes don't understand that in the now. I give from my heart knowing that my rewards will be greater than anything I can grasp.

Loving -- Sometimes we just need to be loved. We need love without expectations. We need love that is given and returned and given and returned....I have been reading about the organization "To Write Love on Her Arms" today. As a person who has experienced abuse very close to home and suicide and addiction and friends and loved ones in pain and depression, people need to know that everyone needs love. Everyone needs to know the power of a simple hug, a simple "I love you." People need to know that someone is there.

Caring -- This is so close to love for me. Caring and reaching out to someone is so important for me. Showing someone the love of Christ, being a "little Christ" to someone is such a gift. Loving someone as Christ has loved us and being there in their time of trouble to lend a hand or a shoulder without expects of anything in return is awesome.

Listening -- This is something I work on and struggle with everyday. I talk ALOT. I go and do and do and go and sometimes forget to stop and listen. I get so caught up in the process that I forget to hear what needs to be heard.

In our lives we are pulled in so many different ways and many times these things all lead us to one simple truth. We are led to understand that all of these things are important but we have to accept them. We have to embrace the calling, give from our hearts, love and care without expectation and most importantly listen. Listen to whatever needs to be heard.

AMEN

a gentle reminder at the right time

Why when we know something is good for us, do we not always do it? We know that we should only eat certain foods, but we don't. We know that we should exercise 3 times a week, but we make excuses.

This has been a busy week. Lots of tasks to get done, lots of stuff. I always let that noise take over. I know that makes me stressed. I know that makes me unbalanced. Why do I do it? I guess it is all I have done for SO LONG that old habits are hard to break.

But I was reminded today, "don't forget to just be." DUH, but I wasn't BEing. I was getting caught up in silly stuff. So, for the last little while, I stopped.

You stop and relax, you stop and refocus, you stop and listen -- and the whole world really opens up. I have spent some time during this moment of being --creating.

Last weekend, my youth spent some time in youth groups making prayer stones. They have words, sayings, colors, pictures to help engage prayer. They have used up my supply. I like to keep extras onhand in case someone needs a specific one or a new one needs to be made.

So, I pulled out the the squishy playdoh stuff that I have been making extras out of and just started creating. It is amazing how erasing the noise and just listening and being can refocus you.

God, At those times in our lives where we get so stuck in the noises and messyness of life, help us to know to stop and listen. God, help me know to stop, listen and be in your presence.
AMEN

God's time and in God's way

Well... I am going to take a different path in today's blog. I am realizing that I need to redo yesterday's blog. Blogging post cortisone shot and with a good pain killer in the system made for a very loopy all over the place blog yesterday. We will try that one again later.

But alas-- thoughts for today.

Alot of my friends, with this economy and place the world is in right now, are between jobs, losing jobs, just taking new jobs. That is a scary, uncertain place. I have been there. The times in your life when you are so so happy but something snaps and you realize that God is taking you somewhere different. Some of my friends have family that is deployed or they are waiting for their new station assignments. There again lies lots of uncertainty. It is not a fun place. On positive side, two of my friends are preparing for marriages. Wow... those are times of uncertainty that are really happy times.

So what do we do with all that? I am preparing a sermon for Sunday. The readings are interesting. We start with Exodus 16:1-12. The Israelites are cranky because things aren't happening their way on their time clock. They don't understand why, if they are chosen people, they can't just have it NOW. Burger King had a slogan with this very sentiment "Have it your way, right away at Burger King Now."

The Psalm, 138, talks about giving thanks, God always providing... but the last line is somewhat troubling "do not abandon the works of your hands." So David is praising and praising and praising God, but then that power of uncertainty comes back, even to David. I put all my trust in you so please don't desert me.

And the Gospel -- Luke 12:13-21. This one is an eyeopener for me. The parable talks about a rich man who has a really great crop. He decides to store everything so he will live comfortably on all of his good fortune. But God says to him that his life is going to be demanded of him. So it is those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich toward God. Ouch. We live such a "mine mine mine me me me" mentality that when we are reminded of sharing and giving we don't like it. Not that we are greedy people, mind you, but we work so hard for everything we have and we are supposed to share. As I said alot when I was little "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

One of my youth groups had an interesting sharing opportunity once. We were headed into this really cool pizza place (think Gattis only the size of HEB). This place had tons of pizza, games, you name it. As we were headed in, we were approached by a family (mom and 3 kids). They were looking for gas money, food, anything really. I forget the whole situation but basically the 2 older kids had not eaten in 2 days and the mom in 3. Everything they had they were feeding to the 5 year old girl.

It was another of those "leaps of faith" moments. They could have been lying. They could have known what "America's Incredible Pizza" was. So, the group all decided that they should come in and eat with us. How could we in good conscience go in and engorge ourselves on pizza, pasta and salad when these people outside might have really been hungry.

The group sat separate from us. I did not push, because you could tell they were overwhelmed. They didn't realize it was an "all you can eat" buffet. I have never seen anyone put away SO MUCH FOOD. The teenage girl grumbled about pizza (which knowing teenagers made me laugh) but when she realized there was salad and pasta, she had 3 plates FULL. The five year old must have put away at least a pizza and a half.

I remember my group of 3-6 graders. They were unsure if we did the right thing. It was cool though when they, too, realized that these people were in fact hungry and we had shared something so simple as a meal with them. It was beautiful.

I know I am as bad as everyone else when it comes to "me me me" "now now now!" I know also though how rich an experience it is to put the me's and the now's away and to let God take over... to take that leap of faith.

AMEN

The Thanksgiving Status Update

So, alot of people have been posting a status update on their Facebooks today. It challenges something to the effect of looking for things you are thankful for everyday up until Thanksgiving. Interesting concept but I have been told twice in the last few days that I update my status way too much (uh bite me). So, instead, I am going to concentrate the next few blogs on things and people and events I am thankful for.

Gratitude and thankfulness is something I spend each evening in prayer about. All I have been given and all that I can give to others belongs to God and I fully believe that I should humbly give thanks for that at all times.

So today, I want to concentrate on THINGS that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my cell phone. I know in this day and age that can seem very petty and almost hideous for someone to be thankful of but ... without my cell phone, I would not be able to communicate and share love with all the youth in my youth group. The communication ability I have with this crazy Blackberry phone is unreal.

Fresh Basil -- probably one of my favorite spices and one of my favorite "accessories" to any dish. I love the flavor and texture and brightness that it adds to food.

Cade's "Lucky" stuffed animal. At TLU this weekend, we stopped by the bookstore. Cade just HAD TO HAVE a stuffed animal. He has carried that thing NONSTOP and would be devastated if anything happened ot Lucky. It is really cute.

My yarn -- another thing that seems petty but no. When Cade was 4 months old, I learned to knit. It is fun, relaxing, interesting and helps me to create fun gifts for my family and friends.


So, why am I thankful of things? Things are just things. They can be replaced in a moment's notice. Things are unimportant, kinda. Alot of times though, things in our lives can spark a memory. Basil for instance reminds me of the art parties in Illinois. The three professors and a bunch of the art girls would get together several times a year. It was sorta potluck with some good wine. It was fun and relaxing. Someone would usually bring a nice fresh green salad with basil leaves. Oh it was heavenly. Everything I had known of basil was dried herby flavorlessness.

So, things that are important to me may not be important to anyone else in the world and that is TOTALLY ok. Sometimes things can seem unimportant but years later you look back and think --hmmm I could not have lived without this thing. 10 years ago, you could not have paid me to carry a cell phone. I thought they were stupid. Now, it is my major form of communication.

Interesting how things change and WOW am I thankful for things.

I have always been "church people"

I was born into the church. I was baptized as a month old infant. My parents were always very involved with all things church. I'm a good Lutheran through and through. Well, pretty much.

So, when people start asking me questions like -- When were you saved? When did you receive Christ as your Lord and Savior? and others like that -- I am always honest and open. I was baptized as a Child of God as an infant, I fully understood and accepted that as an "Affirmation of my Baptism" in 8th grade.

But it goes way beyond that. I am doing sermon prep for next Sunday. When Pastor is away on business or vacation and there is not a supply Pastor who can easily step in, I am called on to lead the service. It is something I enjoy doing and lets me conquer some challenges and learn a little more about scripture in the process.

So, while looking through one of the readings for next Sunday, Titus 3:1-8, I was reading the side questions that went with the verses. "What were you like before God showed you his mercy?" Hmm... interesting thought. I believe God has always showed me mercy. I believe as a child of God, I have always had that infinite grace. Then I scratch the surface of the question and whole worlds open up.

We all have times in our lives where we have been "less than perfect." We all have some moments of our lives that really are not things we enjoy talking about. They may not be skeletons in the closet stuff but they are still parts of our lives that we really want to keep in storage, not visible to the human eye.

I think coming out of the dark times of our lives is definitely when God shows us mercy. We are shown that even in those ugly times, God is still there and still loving us -- eventhough we don't really want that love.

We are to "slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all people." (Titus 3:2)Those are tough words but they are so easy. My junior year in college, I was coming from one of those dark places. I tested the waters alot my sophomore year and found many raging currents that I never want to go back to. So coming into my junior year I reclaimed what I knew to be God's love. I started going to church / chapel again. I held down a job. I passed all my classes. These should have all been little things but they were so much more. During that time, I realized who I wanted to be and who I wanted to leave in the past. I graciously accepted God's loving arms where I found safety.

I don't know if any of this will make it into next weeks sermon, but it definitely found a place in my soul today.

AMEN

My Body is a Temple -- so I need to take care of it

In the summer of 1994, I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my left hand. At that point the options were surgery and being without your hand for 6 weeks, cortisone shots (I hate shots) or wear braces and endure the pain. I had other things going on at the time -- college, work, violin playing, papers on computer -- so I endured the pain and wear braces.

15 years of avoiding another orthopedic surgeon visit. I don't like doctors. I don't like admitting I am in pain either. When I have to wear my braces in public, I am embarrassed. I know that sounds silly but my ego immediately flashes to "Mariesa, you are weak." I just don't like to show myself as vulnerable. I have said this before.

I have to buy a new brace every year and it has really gone ok. Then I had to go and get older. Getting old sucks (yes I know I am just a baby -- but people I am still getting older).

Last spring I started to develop tendonitis in my right elbow. Yeah tennis elbow from playing the violin. I bought a brace and figured I could just endure the pain like I have for all these years with my carpal tunnel. Well, it is not going away.

The tendonitis hurts so bad that when I talk on the phone too long, my elbow actually locks. This sucks. My nuissance is now becoming a hindrance to my life. I am finding that playing the violin hurts ALOT. That sucks. Knitting is even beginning to hurt my carpal tunnel.

Now, before you think that this is Mariesa's Pity Party blog.... no. That could not be farther from the truth. I have been working on my prayer life, my spirituality for awhile now. (pretty obvious for anyone following my blog). 1 Corinthians 6:19 - 20, which is shown as the reason people shouldn't get tattoos and people should not deface their bodies. It is so much more than that. I have denied my body from being a temple by not keeping my hands and now my elbow healthy. I have pretty much abused my body by not taking care of the carpal tunnel for so long and now for letting the tendonitis go on.

So, I sucked it up and called an Orthopedic Surgeon this morning. Surgery is the last thing from my mind but I want this to get taken care of. I want this poor tendon to heal so that I can bend and straighten my arm like normal people. I really don't know what it will feel like to knit while feeling all of my fingers and having no numbness. I hate doctors. I hate having to go to doctors. BUT, my body is a temple and I really need to take better care of it.

What are you longing for?

"Like billowing clouds, like the incessant gurgle of the brook, the longing of the soul can never be stilled. It is this longing with which holy persons seek their work from God." Hildegard of Bingen

Over this past month of blogs, I really have found myself longing and looking for something. How interesting that I open up a book today to find that the next chapter is "Longing." I currently am reading Wonder, Fear and Longing by Mark Yaconelli. It is an ongoing read and probably one that I will reread many many times.

In our childhood, our infancy of faith, our prayers can often be for material things. I really pray that I get a new bike for Christmas. God, please let us not have brussel sprouts again. They are really gross. Someone a while back even mass marketed a whole book on children's letters to God.

Our prayers can also turn to our health. Dear God, make me healthy. Dear God, get me through this physical pain I am in. Dear God, please keep my mother safe as she has surgery. These prayers feed on our desire for help NOW. We pray for things on our time frame. We have this burning desire for instant gratification. We want healing our way. Sometimes that isn't possible. Sometimes we don't accept our part in this two way conversation and ask for help rather than "God do it NOW."

But my prayers lately have been neither of these two things. Spending time in silence, freeing the noise and frustrations of the world from my head to fully spend time with God is becoming more of what I long for. In my prayer, I have begun to really listen. So often my prayers are all me -- talk, talk, talking away. It is only when I stop, really pay attention and release my thoughts can I truly listen to God. I have always known prayer to be a two way conversation. Knowing and actually praying that way are two totally different things. When I can stop my own selfish wants and desires, my prayer time becomes so much more fruitful.

Often in those times where I can truly just listen, things become more clear. I am drawn to something greater than myself, I am drawn to understand me a little better. It is a beautiful thing. It is something that I don't know that I always comprehend. It is something that doesn't always happen. When I can truly erase that noise and free all the silly insignificant thoughts from my head and really pray from my heart, my soul sings. It really does.

God, may I always long for YOU. May my yearning for you spill out in ways that I can never fully understand.
AMEN

Seeing is Believing--- and BEing is believing too

Have you ever felt a spiritual connection? You feel that harmony between two people and they connect much more than the surface. It is a beautiful thing. It is not a very understandable thing, but when it happens WOW.

How does a parent know that their child is hurt before it happens? spiritual connection

That one makes sense but most of the time we don't like to worry with that connection. We spend so much time over texts, calling on the phone, or fleeting conversations here and there that we don't often get to make that connection.

I watched that connection happen innocently this weekend. It was odd, weird, interesting and beautiful. Two people that were not supposed to like each other connected. They broke down the walls and took off the masks. They forgot about the preconceived ideas, the past and just had harmony.

Why do we lose those connections? Why do we not let ourselves see below the surfaces of our relationships?

I think it all goes back to BEing. We spend so much time living up to expectations and going through the motions of life that we forget to BE. We forget to enjoy each other. Even if we see the faults of the other person that have always there, we can still find comfort and peace with each other.

It is a beautiful thing.

reflections of a sleep deprived Youth Director

First off let me say that at any age about say -- 25 yrs -- one is seriously getting too old to stay up all night long with a group of kids. But, I love it and although I am whipped off my butt right now, there is an adrenaline inside of me that is ready to go again.

So, last night some of my high school youth wanted an all night movie fest. Being Halloween night, I knew it would only be a handful, so I figured why not. We set in for a night of cheesy "scary" movies and way too much sugar to be legal and just a goofy time.

It always amazes me what throwing a group of kids that sorta get along together, may not hang out together at school and who occasionally HATE each other do when they are sleep deprived and full of sugar and laughter. As I travel through this journey of BEing, I really have started watching people BE even if they don't realize it.

You have the group of people that is so comfortable in their own skin that it comes naturally. These people may or may not have interpersonal relationships with others they are with but still just are being "them" and that is fine. It is interesting to watch these people especially in a high school setting because they really have others in the group who want what they have -- not because they are so much cooler or better looking but because really they don't stress and have let go of inhibitions (even though they usually don't know it).

Then you have the group of people who has hurts. They are not sure of what directional path to be on. They want to have what group A has but they are really looking for it. If this group of people allows themselves, puts aside the hurts, the unsure things that are keeping them from BEing then they really can start to see, even if only for a night that life is good. If they can continue and keep it up, who knows, they might just really start BEing.

Group C is alot like Group B. They have been group A. They really did it very well. They enjoyed being natural and in their own skin. Some outside stimulus has shattered that comfort. Something somewhere has made them question BEing. It's these people who are reaching for that BEing again. They don't like the questions, they don't like the noise. They want the normalcy back that comes with enjoying BEing.

And then our final group, Group D. This is a group that is so desperately searching to be comfortable. They want what everyone else has. They really have no idea how to get it. These people usually are the younger ones, the ones who just want to fit in. Often times they have to live up to the expectations of a sibling in the group or one that has moved on from the group. There is nothing worse than being ___'s little brother or ____'s little sister. I was an older sibling. I think I experienced every group in high school except this one. This group of people has so much to do and live up to that they have the hardest time just BEing.

High School youth are funny people. They can hate each other one minute. The next minute when they forget they are supposed to hate each other -- it is that moment that they really can just BE. They break down all the walls between one another, all of the outer shells and masks that keep them from really just BEing. It is an awesome sight to watch, even if it does happen at 3 am after a ton of soda and pixie sticks. The little idiosyncracies are still there. They will always have the little picks and jabs that are so classic amongst high school youth. Watching those walls break down is harmony. You can actually see their spirits singing for whatever it was missing. Watching a group of spirits connect and just BE together is just really cool.

SO, who knows what will become of the events of the lock in last night. I will definitely be detoxing from way too much soda, not enough water and severely unhealthy food. And perhaps this group of wonderful young people will never find the harmony they lived in last night, but maybe just maybe they will realize that just BEing together is great. And maybe that will help them draw more to just BE too.

AMEN