The Saints in your life.

Tomorrow is All Saint's Day. Many people celebrate, commemorate, acknowledge this day in many different ways. So, I thought it might be a good idea to celebrate some of the saints in my life.

My grandfather, Papa, actually passed away on All Saint's Day. He was a strong, stubborn German that had a heart for God and took crap from no one. He was a man who taught me that you will never meet a stranger. He lived his life visiting with others, telling stories, finding odd connections to people that he would just start talking to. (I get that from him).

My grandmother, Nanny, was obsessive. She was a control freak. She was extremely overbearing and bossy. BUT, she had a strong will and even when cancer started ripping her to pieces, she did not let life stop her. She kept going and kept fighting and kept her social engagements. (yeah, I get some of the control freak from her.)

Which leads me to Dorothy Poff. Dorothy Poff was our church secretary in Illinois, my first ministry as youth director. She was 83 when I started. The woman had been serving as secretary by the time she passed at the age of 88 for almost 52 years I think. It was an insane amount of time. She had a heart of gold and ran a tight ship. Pastor Craig called her "glue" because she did in a lot of ways hold that church together. She was passionate even at that age. She had a faith that I can only hope to have one day and was totally devoted to her job, her livelihood as church secretary.

So who are saints? We are all saints. We are all called to be children of God which takes us into the communion of saints. Yes, different traditions look at it in different ways but this is how I see it. We have saints around us everyday. We have people who show us God's love as only they can. They teach us about life, about what it means to be a disciple. They help me to understand the person I need to be.

How can I be a better saint? Wow, if only I knew. What I do know is that I am on this earth to show and share God's love with all I am in contact with. I know that I have peace and understanding of just being and not getting so caught up in the noise of life. If I can help other's see that, then I am being a saint.

There are so many more saints in my life -- my youth, my family, my friends who help bring out those "saintly" qualities in me, and so so many more.

AMEN

Thy Will be done.

I'm writing this in tears right now. Vulnerability is a scary thing to me because I always try to appear really strong on the outside. But sometimes when you hurt you have to express it. So here goes:

I have a friend in pain... pain beyond anything I can ever imagine. She has been in this pain for over 8 years and it's not fair. It's not something I understand or that I want to. I have had anger. I have had fear. And, it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It hurts me that I have so much peace and love to give and I can't help her AT ALL!! We pray for healing. We pray for doctor's hands. We pray for peace. Sometimes those answers don't come in ways we can understand. Sometimes those answers when put in God's hands don't make sense and that has to be ok. IT SUCKS but it has to be ok.

Below is a song, by Jacob's Road called "I choose trust." The first time I heard this song, I realized I was very angry with God because of my friend. I realized that I had to trust that God would take care of her. I realized I had to trust. That is hard. That sucks. It really is not fair. It is really all I have right now. Here are the lyrics:

why do bad things happen to good people
people that I love
I spend so much time just trying to fill in the blanks
a reason for this rhyme
but I only find myself more angry
and I only find myself confused
I choose trust
when I cannot stand
though I would take a different road if this were in my hands
but what I can’t see is how You redeem
all of this brokenness
to bring down Your holiness
so I choose trust
Lord, You know my pain
cause I am the reason that You gave Your son away
and this is my peace
knowing that You will not be shaken
and that You are holding me
so when I find myself more anxious
and when I find myself confused


God, I need to trust in your peace today. I need to find your love and I need to be able to give it to my friend. I know we sometimes don't understand why things happen and that has to be ok. It sucks God. It really does. Help me find peace. Help my friend find peace and comfort in the midst of her pain. Eventhough I cannot imagine the answers, God, I trust that your Will will be done and I have to understand it. Help me understand it.
AMEN

Praying and painting a floor

Everytime it rains ALOT in Universal City (has happened twice since I moved here 4 years ago), our Parish Hall can flood. It's life. We work with it and move on.

BUT, the youth room usually gets lots of water, so the last time this happened, we decided to rip carpet up and go with the bare floor. We seal it with garage paint and it really works out nicely. We have area rugs that go on the bare floor and the couches sit on bare ground. (Yeah pretty rustic room but it works).

So, the youth room flooded last month which meant that it was time to reseal the floor. It really needed to be done and I had just been avoiding it. So, I bit the bullet and have done one side at a time. It is a one person job, really. Anymore than that and it gets complicated.

So, what does this have to do with prayer. Well, this was my prayer time today. I turned on a CD and just really listened to the words to the CD. I got stuck on a song by Rachel Kurtz, Invocation. It is just a very spiritually moving prayer. As I painted I thought more about the activities of the room and how neat it was going to look when we got it all put back together. I spent time in prayer for the various youth that are currently in High School.

The interesting thing was when I finished, I wanted more. So, I grabbed a candle. I find that very little light and distraction really helps center me. I kept the Invocation song on lightly and found the darkest room in that building and just spent some good quiet time with God.

It still amazes me that my crazy brain likes this new found prayer and quiet time. Calming myself and releasing the stress and just BEing is still difficult. I think it always will be. My mind wants to fight it and releasing the noise takes practice. But, it is so so worth it.

It is worth it that I can release the stresses of the day. It is worth it that I feel different, better even. It is worth it to my soul to have that prayerful God time. I was led during that time today to Romans 8:38-39(yea trusty Blackberry for letting me search it while praying).

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It is so freeing to stop and realize that even in the craziness of life, nothing will separate me from God's love. I can take it for granted. I can fight it. I can let other things appear to get in the way. Nothing will separate me from God's love. That is AWESOME. It is beautiful.

So, the floor is painted, my spirit is renewed and it was a good day.
AMEN

Reflections of an old sage -- well not really old

Coming in December will be my 10th anniversary of being in ministry. WOW, that is a long time. I remember starting out and going to youth ministry conferences hearing about those who had been in ministry over 5 years and wondering if that would ever be me.

So, wise words. Communication. Communication. Communication. Did I mention communication? There are times in my ministry when things are thrown at me and the emotional little girl in me wants to run and cower in the bathroom and cry like a baby. Yeah, NOT what needs to happen. There are times that things are thrown at you or miscommunicated to you that you want to be the mean alley cat and bare your claws and come out fighting. Again, probably not what needs to happen. There are probably alot of other reactions too, but these are two that I have entertained in the past. Yeah, not very effective.

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory (Calmer of the Storm by Downhere).

Last night was one of those times when I wasn't prepared. I had no idea that something was going to be presented. So, I immediately wanted to be the little girl and run and cry. (Really the situation was not all that big of a deal, I just wasn't ready for it). I wanted to jump across the table and start clawing eyes out. (yeah, probably not a good idea). But then it hit me -- you know Mariesa, you can handle this. Take a deep breath and get it together and present what needs to be presented. And I did. I wasn't prepared for it. I didn't know if I was making ANY sense at all, but I just did the most appropriate thing. I acted with grace. Yeah, I was frustrated but I knew that I had made some miscommunications that needed to be cleared up and I knew that I needed to clear things up.

In life, we don't like things thrown at us in anyway. We don't want to be unprepared. When that happens, I really just need to stop... get my head around what the issue is and solve it.

So, I am a life-r in youth ministry. I wouldn't change my vocation in ministry for the world. I love that I am challenged and satisfied in ways I could have never imagined. That little girl in me sometimes still wants to cower and cry, that cat wants to bare claws and come out swinging. But mostly I know that by the Grace of God, I will never be given more than I can handle. I know that what I am given I can learn and grow from and I can continue following this totally awesome path that God has me on.

It's all a growing experience. It's all about growing closer to God and closer to those around me. It's really all about the peace and love that I am called to share with others.

AMEN

wow, we are greedy people - serving others in the light of that greed

The church office likes good coffee. We aren't coffee snobs but we like good coffee. Plain and simple. So we were out of coffee yesterday and, shudder the thought, had to drink FOLGERS!!! Oh the shame. So on the way to work this morning I stopped at Walmart to get us some coffee. (Normally we drink Rainforest Alliance fair trade coffee from Sams). So, I got my coffee and shuddered at the generic choices. (who drinks that). Weaved my way back to the front.

In front of me was a mother and child buying baby formula. I didn't think anything of it... and then that changed. At Walmart, they automatically send checks through which is great (avoids overdraft problems). Her check did not go through. There she was standing without baby formula. (and me with my fancy coffee).

There are times in our lives where we have to take leaps of faith. There are times in our lives where we are thrown into situations that put it all into perspective. I bought my coffee and then waited for a second to see what she was going to do. She was frantically on the phone with people looking for money. So, I did it. I don't know what her situation was. I don't know why she didn't have the money for the formula. I could do nothing else.

I walked up to her and said, "I will buy your formula." I had been so focused on getting my stupid fancy coffee and then to watch her trying to get money for formula.

We live in a nation that is hurting. I don't know the statistics of hunger off the top of my head but it is ASTOUNDING. And yet, we still like our luxuries.

Dear God, Help me to see the needs of others more clearly. Help me to understand what is important in this world. Help me to know you a little more closely
AMEN


The woman cried. I could hear her mother on the other end of the phone going... WHAT WHY IS SHE DOING THAT!! She wanted to know how to repay me and I told her honestly. I am here buying something as insignificant as coffee -- I had to do it. The Walmart cashier cried. She was like, ma'am you don't have to do this. Yes, I did.

It all starts with a mug of hot tea.

Mornings are busy times for moms. Between getting me ready, getting Cade ready, making sure Jody gets out the door on time, stopping for prayer gets planned in where it can.

Every morning I start the morning with hot tea. I have always loved hot tea, the various smells and tastes and it is just calming. I am an herbal tea person, unless it is chai. Here lately, green tea has been the flavor of choice.

But this is not a blog about the yumminess that is tea, this is about calming, peaceful prayer time in the midst of a mommy schedule. Hot tea warms the senses, wakes up the taste buds and just envelopes the mind. Yeah, coffee can do the same thing but coffee happens later.

This morning as I was sitting with my big mug of green tea in my recliner, I started thinking about life. Life is good. My life is for the most part exactly where I want it to be. That is a beautiful thing. It is a wonderful feeling to have a beautiful son that teaches me new things everyday. It is wonderful to have a supportive husband who lives life to take care of me and Cade.

My youth -- they are crazy people. They are happy, sad, moody, excited, gripey big ol balls of emotional roller coasters but I really wouldn't change them for the world. They challenge me and teach me that even when I look like I have it all together, sometimes I need to show my vulnerable side and be real with them.

My church -- since some of them read this... THEY ARE AWESOME. Ok, again being real. CTK has taught me so much about my ministry. They understand that I am not going to change the world but I am gonna love the socks off of the youth of our church.

My friends -- I have interesting friends. I have friends who teach me about their prayer life and show me their soul to help me better understand me. I have friends who I can call and cry to when things just aren't going right. I have friends that I can laugh with and at when they don't know what (baking) soda is. And, I have a whole bunch of crazy knitting friends that we can laugh and be crazy and have no holding back. We are an estrogen packed group of crazy and I love it.

So what are you thankful for in life? Do you thank God for all of the blessings you have? That is hard sometimes. Sometimes in the midst of our stress and crazy lives, we forget to stop, listen and give thanks.

We take for granted the beautiful things that life gives us in the valleys of pain. When we are lost in a sea of doubts and uncertainty - we don't want to look at the good things of life.

Dear God, Life is good. Help us to be more understanding of our need for thanksgiving. Help us to say thank you, but more importantly to be grateful for the gifts and blessings that we have around every corner. Help me to take time to stop and smell the flowers even in a sea of weeds.
AMEN

It all started with a mug of hot tea.

It makes my heart happy

Sometimes things just feel good. It feels good to drink that first cup of coffee in the morning, even though it is usually way too strong. It feels good to wake up next to a cute little 4 year old who wants to snuggle. It feels good to send cute little messages to my youth on Facebook to let them know that I am thinking about them.

What makes a person feel good? What makes your heart happy? What makes you smile? These are often things that run through my brain. I am a people pleaser. I live to make people happy. More importantly and somewhat selfishly, it, in turn, makes me happy.

You know we are taught to love one another and the Golden Rule. I sometimes wish all rules were this easy.

Hmm. Of course then there is the ballpark that will say if you are constantly making other people happy, then you are not nurturing your own needs. Yeah, so those people can be very right (but I won't admit to that.) There are times when making people happy can be dangerous but I like to keep it to a healthy level.

I think the most important thing is to stay honest with yourself, meet your needs as needed, and along the way love the heck out of as many people as you can.

Scars aren't always bad things

Ok, little definition from Wikipedia
Scars (also called cicatrices) are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury. A scar results from the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process

I don't know what it is about little kids and scar stories or teenage boys and scar stories. They are always kinda fun. Who has the coolest, grossest scar story? Oh yeah, my story is even grosser than yours?

Working with kids, somehow at some point, we always end up playing "who can out gross who" on scar stories. I usually always win. I flash my jaw reconstruction scar and then go into detail on how they reconstructed my jaw -- yeah -- lots ewwwws and lots of yucks. I always win. (no I will not go in to detail, but it is pretty cool).

I have been talking to a bunch of people lately about the stories and experiences of our life that define us. How everything we go through and experience can lead us to wherever we are headed in life, if we let it. This spiritual journey and becoming closer in my relationship with God has really started opening up some interesting doors that I never would have expected.

What do the scars in our lives say about us? Are they all painful stories? Are scars necessarily hurts in our lives? This is kind of an interesting thought in my head. Can we see all the scars that are there? Now, that is a bit of a deeper question.

For me, the scars - the bumps in the road make me me. It is that plain and simple. I was one of 546 people who had Typhoid Fever in 1977 in the WHOLE U.S. That is a really cool statistic to rattle off but that is all it is. Before I was in Kindergarten, I almost died 4 times with medical problems. Yeah, scary but it is what it is. I have had really interesting things in my life like Typhoid and Tuberculosis that make doctor's hair stand on end. But they are just memories, just part of the story of Mariesa.

I could look at my overall 33 years on this earth and think, WOW that sucks. BUT why? Why do I need to focus on those scars and events as anymore than fibrous tissue that is part of the healing biological process. Instead I choose to share my story. I choose to show the love and healing power I believe follows my faith life with others who are in need and understanding of that healing.

So many people get weighed down by the physical calamities of life. So many people dwell on the "crap storms" that happen. We all have vulnerability. We all have stuff in our lives, scars that we don't understand. We have "reminders" of the past. We have build up of tissue that is the healing process. We can dwell on the physical and emotional reminders or grow from them. Those are the choices.

I can look at the gall bladder scar above my belly button and remember that it is healed. Yeah, it is an ugly 1 1/2 inch blemish that I can't get rid of but it definitely is NOT the end of the world. And hey, it might just make a really cool gross out story in the future.

Being Whole and the burrito bowl

My heart's desire is to be made whole -- to be in balance. Many times that is easier said than done. I can say it but do I really mean it. The other day at church (well for the past few weeks actually), people have been asking if I I am losing weight. I don't know. No idea. I don't think I totally care (at least not in the "oh my goodness I lost __ pounds" way.

I try to be a humble person. I am never quite sure what to say when someone says, "oh I really liked your children's message today." I am thinking, thanks but it was really God I just used the words. I guess the same goes for "wow you really look like you are losing weight." All I can think is, well I am living like God wants me to live and getting stronger and whole-er all the time so if I am losing weight, cool. I never know how to answer.

I have done the diet roller coasters. I have done the myriad of get weight off quick schemes out there. All they do is give me a false sense of security that lead me to a path of failure and unhappiness the first time I fall off the weight loss bandwagon. You see, when I started on this newfound journey of prayer and meditation I think I am coming to realize that in order to REALLY feel whole, I also have to feed my body the correct things as well as my soul.

That is NOT easy in a world of stress and junk food and yummy things that my body wants to eat. Oh fried chicken, how I love thee. As my senses are becoming heightened through this whole experience, I am realizing that food tastes better when I really savor it and feed my body good food.

It's not that I don't care about weight loss or that others shouldn't care about weight loss. For me, however, when I become fixated on "oh I have to lose 2 pounds," then I sabotage my happiness, my peace. I become so focused on that next pound of weight loss or that next milestone, that I lose sight of the important things in life. I lose sight of the fun, the relaxation. I lose me in the process.

I am not a junk food eater. Well, not totally true -- I like a good candy bar every now and then. When stressed, keep chips out of my being. But overall, snacking on junk food doesn't excite me at all. Today for lunch I went to Chipotle. This Chipotle has an outdoor patio that overlooks this wonderful little underdeveloped plot of land. It is green and lush with all the rain. My ultimate favorite thing is the burrito bowl -- no rice, black beans, chicken, lettuce, ALL hot sauces except that corn one. And my luxury item -- guacamole. That is the YUMMIEST party in my mouth that can be had.

Sitting there eating, in silence watching the world just BE -- I really started to appreciate the taste of this burrito bowl. It was such a relaxing lunch -- no stress, no time deadlines, just me and the yumminess. I have no idea if I am losing weight. I can say that for the first time in my life, I have no real stress. The stress is still there but I am having a lot easier time releasing it. Trying to live this life of peace and enjoyment has made me ultimately calm.

God, grant me the strength and passion to live in the moment. Help me keep that peace and calm amidst the stress of life. Help me to keep striving to BE. AMEN.

I am a horrible self-doubter

Evening worships at church are very different. Often we have healing services during that time. Last night, we celebrated the commemoration of St. Luke.

I enjoy these worship times. Evenings is where I can really let go and not have a whole lot of responsibility. I can worship. I play my violin during them but that is a way of worshiping and praising for me.

So... the healing service.

Different people have different understanding of healing services. You have the stereotypical Benny Hinn type thing. People come for many different reasons. They come to support loved ones in need of healing. They come to be blessed as healers and doctors and nurses. They come for healing themselves. They come for God to give them answers to questions about their own healing from cancer, diabetes... name your illness.

Then there is me. This is where the self-doubter comes in for me. We celebrated communion and following was the annointing with oil. Lots of self-doubt came in my head as I watched the heart transplant man... the woman in remission from cancer... the man with the hurt foot.. the family and friends of these people. The self-doubting Mariesa started saying, "Why are you up here? Why do you need healing? What are you getting out of this?" Wow my mind can really reek havoc on my silent times. As Pastor got closer to me, I was really ripping myself up over this. Was I really worthy of hearing those words that so many others had heard? Was I worthy of healing from God when I really was unsure by now, or at least my self-doubting self was.

And then he was to me. He annointed my head and said those healing words and I was humbled. I don't have any crazy illness reeking havoc on my body. "Help Mariesa to be whole." At that moment, I smiled. I don't know if it was a real smile or just my heart smiling.

I may not need physical healing, but we all need healing. We all need to know that we are torn up souls. We are imperfect, sinning people and through the power of the Holy Spirit we are made whole, complete.

At that moment, my senses were heightened. Pastor uses nard. Biblically nard can be found in John 12:3:
Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she
poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the
house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

That smell filled my senses. It was the most peaceful smell I could have smelled at that moment. It was beautiful.

So I may not have needed physical healing at that moment, but I needed the healing of understanding in my own brain that I needed to be made whole. I needed to be in balance and find the peace within me.

AMEN

The Stones of my Life-- that make me me

I get to church VERY early Sunday mornings. Lots of times it is because of tasks that need to be completed but often, it is the quiet that I need before the busyness starts.

I have a little "altar" in my office. It has my devotion books, a candle, a pretty cloth, one of my violins and a bowl of stones. Youth and Family Institute calls these "Milestones." More than that though, these are stones I have collected from places... stones that hold some meaning. This morning's quiet time focused on these stones.

I knew the ones I had selected and tossed them down. Emptying my brain of all the noise is still challenging. I think it always will be. But, just listening to the computer fan and the other little noises my office has, I started focusing on the stones.

I had selected - Faith. Faith is something I believe strongly in. Faith helps me to understand my purpose in the world. My faith in God, my faith in others, but mostly my faith in myself.

The mountaintop experiences and the deep valley lows. Wow there has been alot of those. Often I find that in the deepest darkest moments, I find God most of all.

The new beginnings stone - this prayer and meditation journey I am on is still very new to me. It is still new to me that I need the silence. I am a person who always has noise and always has movement in life. I don't sit still well. My ADD makes me want to jump from task to task to wherever life is leading at that moment. But this newfound silence makes me just want to sit and listen and yearn for whatever God is doing in my life. I find it crazy at times, but I like it. I like the feeling of releasing all the stuff in my life to God.

And the peace stone - this relaxation and comfort I have wanted for so long is AMAZING. It is nice to be able to not focus on the stress and craziness and "be still." I have not found the peace yet in every moment because there will always be the noise. BUT, I have found comfort and solace in God and understanding already of this person that I did not totally know existed. and all I can say is WOW.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

AMEN

when the Spirit moves -- you go with it

Yes I know, 2 blogs in one day. I am physically tired. Physically spent. But I want to praise God. Not for any great miraculous thing. I want to praise God for the breath that I have the person I am and the wonderful people that are around me.

I am a hopeless over planner. I plan for everything that can go wrong, everything that can go right and everything, anything else that can possibly be planned for. I over stress. I know this. Character flaw. Often, in over planning, I forget to enjoy. I forget to BE. I keep talking about BEing but I don't know that I am yet living it. I schedule EVERYTHING. I plan and plan and plan. I have even made sure to plan for time with God. Who does that? Who plans to spend time with God? Shouldn't you do that anyway? But, yet I plan it. In the process though, I forget to just BE.

I fell into some old habits today. I let things get to me. I did not radiate anything but stress until about 10 am. That is when I realized I needed to stop. I can't control things that go wrong. I can't usually control things that go right. I can however control my reaction. The nervous breakdown is not going to make the bounce house get here any faster. The snappy Mariesa is not going to get people to move their cars or make it a positive experience.

Dear Lord, in my stress and crazy brain, help me to remember to BE... to ENJOY the moment. Help me to not get lost in other people's stresses that I can do NOTHING about. Help me to be the person that I so desire to be. God, I need comfort, I need rest. Help me experience that comfortable peace that I need. Help release the noise of my life and just BE.

AMEN.

Alleluia Moment Showers

Sometimes when we have a busy day ahead, our quiet times come when we can get them. My AAA Adult, Lisa and I call morning showers on youth trips "Alleluia Moments." When you wake up after a night of partying and worshipping God and just need that hot water to wake you up. Your muscles are achy. You probably don't smell so lovely. All of these things need "alleluia moments."

I often do my best thinking in the shower. There is quiet, it is relaxing. And my senses are very aware.

This morning's shower was a needed "Alleluia Moment." I know that it is going to be a long, fun day and finding that peace beforehand was really needed.

Sometimes in my life slowing down is difficult. I don't let myself do it. I have to stay busy busy busy to not focus on the stress of the world. Or sometimes I really am busy with responsibilities and duties to perform.

I have to say the hot water was the wake up I needed today. Obviously I don't smell like Suzy Mc Grimey pants anymore which is good. But more importantly, relaxing and slowing down to feel the love and peace that I needed came at a good time.

It's all still a learning process but it is too important to not embrace even the smallest lengths of solace with God.

AMEN

Castle on a Cloud

To say that I was off yesterday would be an extreme understatement. I experienced a whole range of human emotions that really left me unbalanced. When you begin discovering new things about yourself, often it comes with doubts, hurt, heartache and confusion. Friends and family are unsure what to think and can cause you to further squash the firey passion inside. That is when it is time to refocus.

Many times God puts people and experiences in our lives that help us see what is already there. Things that we have forgotten... things that are buried... or things that are right there in front of us and we have just overlooked for whatever reason. Without these people and experiences yesterday, I probably still would be a lump, a pile of mush.

There is a castle on a cloud,I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep, not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys, there are a hundred boys and girls,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud, not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white, holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch. She says "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost, I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed, not in my castle on a cloud.

One of my favoritest musicals is Les Miserables. (yes I said favoritest). There are so many words of hope and encouragement in a sea of uncertainty in that musical. All I can say is WOW. This is gonna be kinda personal -- but this is the song I used to sing to Jody when we first dated. We were both going through confusing times in our lives and just needed to find that "Castle on the Clouds." It is a truly beautiful, innocent song but really came alive in my head last night.

Often times in our lives, we need to find that peace. We need to find that calm in the storm. We need to BE in the presence of God. We need to radiate the love and peace that we feel to others. Sometimes amidst the chaos, that is hard. Sometimes in our own doubts and confusion, we just find it easier to put the fire out and move on.

Many times though, the real-est most special feeling in the world is to help the doubters, those unsure of this newfound peace and love to find a peace and love of their own.

Today I will work on breaking down the walls in my life. I will work a little harder to share that peace and love with ALL. It will take time but I can't feel stronger about anything in my life.

AMEN

nothing much -- just words to a song -- my prayer this morning

I have said many times that whatever is in my heart-- whatever I need to reach for -- whatever God is trying to tell me, lots of times comes from songs. Sometimes an artist has already so well in words what I feel deep in my heart, that focusing on those words and focusing on that love and passion from their heart is all I can be.

Sometimes that is what it is. So, my prayer today is a "Cry for Love" to God. Michael W Smith said it so much better than I could.

My life is like a racing car hurtling towards the wall
At the speed of sound
My time has been so finely tuned
But Ive never seen a human being so tightly wound
At times it seems beyond belief
I just need a bit of relief
Like a war-weary soldier
Marching up and over the edge
Take my hand and pull me up cause Im falling too fast
Somehow Ive lost my way - Im cryin save me

Chorus
Can you hear me...Im calling out
Im crying out...a cry for love
I can feel you...youre touching me
You healing me...my cry for love

I will be the first to admit
I dont have the strength to handle it alone anymore
I dont have to fret, dont have to explain
All my worryings in vain
Im not alone anymore

Why is this so hard to believe
What is mine is mine to freely receive
Like the changing of seasons
This is the beauty of the word
And for all that I have seen and heard
Oh I want to come home
Somehow Ill make my way - my way home to you

Chorus

Bridge:
Oh father hear my call (oh father hear my call)
I know youll catch me when I fall
Oh father hear my call
I know youll catch me when I fall
Oh I pray that youll hold me now
Hold me
And take my fear away

Im cryin save me
Oh I know that you can hear me
Hear me crying out for love
Oh I know that you can feel my cry for love...ooh...

I can feel you - youre calling out
Youre crying out - a cry for love
I can feel you - youre touching me
Youre healing me - my cry for love

AMEN

Perfect Oatmeal and Green Tea

I woke this morning with an unsettled stomach. I had something to eat too late which I know I shouldn't do and paid the consequences. So on the way to work I decided to get a Starbucks Green Tea. It sounded good and calming. On their menu as well was "Perfect Oatmeal." That sounded so so good. So I ordered. Now before anyone tells me I wasted money, I don't care.

I got to church for some quiet God time. A candle, a Bible Verse, a cup of oatmeal and green tea. It was MAGNIFICENT. I don't quiet myself. Usually my prayers are shouting. But today, I decided to see just what God would give me. Words can't describe it... I don't want to describe it.

My senses were alive. The textures and tastes of that small cup of overpriced oatmeal were magical. My tastebuds were singing. The green tea was warm and calming and settled the noises and calmed me.

I watched the candle dance in the darkness. I could feel God. It was a peace I have not felt in a long time. And I prayed. It was a prayer...not important the words but was from my heart. I listened to the cars rushing by outside the door of the sacristy room and could feel that my problems and noise was rushing with them.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10. The more I read that verse, the more it terrifies me. Terrifies may seem harsh but calming the world around me and just be-ing is not something I let myself do. It is not something I comprehend in my faith walk. Be -- empty the thoughts of my head and let me BE. Still -- quiet my insides, quiet the noise that so often takes me from you. Know -- the more I think I know, the more I truly do not understand. I am -- God, I am peace and joy. Help me to embrace that passion inside me that burns to reach out to others with your peace. God -- God you are in control of my life even when I don't understand it. You bring me to a new level of understanding in my life that I need right now.

Be still and know that I am God.

Friends who read this -- I don't think anything could be more me than this is. Allowing myself to open up like this and just "be" with God is something I struggle with... something I don't understand. No matter what your spirituality, faith walk, denomination, religion, or your uncertainty in the divine -- just BE. Take a moment amidst the noise and conflict and craziness that we all feel and BE.

AMEN

Are you going through the motions?

Sometimes you don't realize what blessings you really have in life. Sometimes you don't realize how fantastic life is until someone points it out to you. Sometimes we take so much of life for granted that we just don't think about it.

Life for me is a series of learning experiences. It is a series of questioning of myself and my surroundings. Yes, some of those learning experiences have been incredibly painful. Some of those experiences have ripped me to the core.

Some however, are so exciting, such a mountaintop experience for me that I cannot explain it. I have so many times that I knew God was right there and had His hand working right with me.

Why do we go through the motions? Why do we get stuck in a rut and not know how to climb out? Why can't we praise God everyday for the wonderful and powerful blessings we have been given. We can look at every little experience as "OH THIS IS BAD." We can look at the bad in almost anything. We can bury ourselves in pity and really not be able to "see the forest for the trees."

I am a hopeless optimist. Really a hopeful sounds better .... but there is no help for my hope so I will go with hopeless optimist. I ALWAYS try to look for the good in everything and everyone around me. That stupid glass is always half full. Even when everyone else is going "wah wah wah. I'm so pathetic" - I have to look for the hope and optimism that it will all turn out good. Call it a character flaw I guess.

I have said countless times that I firmly believe that God is in total control of my life. Because I have given God that control, I know God that will not give me more than I can handle. Because I have had the learning experiences to know how to crawl out of the trenches and ruts of life, I know that I can come out on top. That has taken a long long time but I know that I can do it.

So, the next time I get stuck in that rut, that daily grind of life, I hope my glass can truly be half full...or running over with God's grace and peace.

Your inner sillyness

When was the last time you laughed out loud? When was the last time you played at Chuck E Cheese? When was the last time you squawked back at the geese in the park? So much of our lives we have to be prim and proper. We have so much we have to get done in the daily grind of life. We don't get to be silly.

I have to honestly say that is a wonderful part of my occupation. I get to be silly. I get to act like a big ol' goofball at times and that is ok. I get to jump around at a concert, get to play in the mud. I get to play gross games. Not many people can say that they get paid to be silly.

So why be silly? Why is it needed? Hmm. Good question. For me, I get an adrenaline rush. Jumping around with my high schoolers at an awesome concert enlivens me. It wakes up my spirit. That being said, I am usually worn out like crazy the next day. These old bones ain't what they used to be. So, do I stop? HECK NO!!

One of my groups favorite games is Spoons (the fast paced card game). They love it. We get vicious. We usually let all our guards down and just be incredibly competitive and goofy.

A week or so ago, I saw a "Wife Swap" episode (yes incredibly stupid show - I needed some mindless boobtube). This particular episode, the one lady participated in Laughter Yoga. Ok, she was crazy. She just laughed and laughed and giggled and was, well crazy. She thought that all of life was fun. As much as I thought she was crazy, and so did the family she was put into -- she taught them and me something. She was thrown into a family of straightlaced, play by the book, all of life is a chore people. By the end of her laughing stupidness -- she opened their eyes that it was ok to let go and laugh. All of life was not supposed to be going through the motions. Sometimes we just have to be goofy. It ain't easy.

So, this week amidst the daily chores and stuff that I have to get done, I want to embrace my inner sillies, find ways to laugh at the world, find that it is ok to sometimes be a kid.

It's all about YOU!

It is amazing to me how sometimes the littlest things can CRUSH your spirit. You can wake up in the best of moods and then all of a sudden BOOM, someone or something gets in the way of your peace. Maybe its a blown out tire on the way to work, someone cuts you off on the interstate. Maybe someone else is in a bad mood and they radiate it like fire to you consuming you with their frustration.

I find that sometimes when I find inner peace and calm, I am selfish about keeping it, wanting to stay happy for me. That didn't happen today. CRASH BAM BOOM!!! and my spirit was smothered with frustration. That hurts. It hurts when on a day like Sunday where I am supposed to be radiating Christ, I just want to step on someone else's spirit so that mine feels better. Yeah, that doesn't work.

Often God puts songs in my head. I know it is God because they make sense to my mood and feelings about the world or prepare me for whatever comes next. So, here is the song that God decided I needed tonight. AND, it is OH so true.

When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself is not what You have required
You search much deeper within through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You, it's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth no one could express
How much You deserve though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours every single breath
(The Heart of Worship - Matt Redman)

Sometimes in life we just need to be reminded that God is there. Sometimes when we are ready to punch someone for breaking our spirit or cutting us off on the freeway - we need to remember that God is there.

God is there to pick us back up, dust us off and start ALL over again. I think I needed that today. I needed to be reminded that I am coming back to the heart of worship -- the heart of why I do what I do, the heart of where my passion lies.

"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I made it, because it's all about you- all about you, Jesus."

I am tired... sabbath

There are times in our lives when we let go. We have fun. We release all the frustrations and inhibitions holding us back and just have fun. This is easy for some but not so much for others.

I am not a shopper by nature. I think walking the mall sounds like the worst idea EVER. Unless I have a purpose or reason to be shopping - I hate it.

So, what did I do today? Went shopping. By Monday, I will have been to 12 yarn stores in the Hill Country. WOW... that is a lot of yarn. This is my 3rd Yarn Crawl. Each year it gets bigger and bigger and BIGGER. Wow, I saw LOTS of yarn.

It is kinda interesting - by the time we got to the end of the crawl last year, I was physically nauseous from the overstimulation of color and texture. It did not help that at that point last year, we were entering one of the largest stores in the area. OVERSTIMULATION!!!

Why does having fun and being silly make us so very very tired and worn out? Why often does it take a full day for us to recover when we "overdo it"?

I don't have the answer. I think we embrace these times in our life searching for something. We find ourselves with so many questions and concerns of the world in our head that just being goofy feels good. But, in turn it wears us out.

May we each find Sabbath -- that time where the world is flushed out and we can just be. No inhibitions. No preconceived notions. No worries or cares. Just be. Almost spontaneous. And while we are there, see what God is teaching you about yourself. Maybe God is shining a new light in a new way that we have not noticed before.

AMEN -- and let's go yarn shopping again tomorrow. WOOHOO!!!

conversation with God -- conversation with myself

"Give me words to speak. Don't let my spirit sleep. Because I can't think of anything worth saying, but I know that I owe YOU my life. Give me words to speak. Don't let my spirit sleep." (Aaron Shust - Give me words to speak).

There are times in my life that I don't understand alot. Experiences in my life that I don't understand how God is trying to teach me something or show me a new way of thinking. These are the times when I discover those closer to me... I discover an inner strength and sense of compassion and understanding that I just can't understand.

It has been an interesting month. I can probably say one of the most profoundly changing months of my life. Often when we get stuck in a rut, when we think that we have it THE WORST, this is when, I usually find God.

My prayer life in the last month has been AWESOME. I am a big mess sometimes with prayer. I put it off. I procrastinate about spending time with God. Usually when I realize this, I realize I need God most of all. Often times we bottle up everything. We don't want anyone to see our pain because no one can understand or identify with it. That is when I turn it over to God. Spending either the first moments of the day or the last moments of the day in silent meditation... fully listening to God and looking for God's guidance. I am finding if I skip it, I miss it now. That is awesome.

God has been sending alot of hurting people my way. People who see me as their calm. People who see a strength in me that I barely see in myself. That still confuses me but I am starting to talk to God about that confusion. Often when people want me to take control of the situation, it is because they can't see where the control lies. If I can provide comfort, solace, compassion, it is not me. It is God.

A friend sent me something this morning, probably when I needed comfort and support the most. What he sent me was "Symptoms of Inner Peace." Upon looking it up, it is written by Saskia Davis. It is so so powerful and even when I was totally crying out to God trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with everything that was being thrown at me, I think I began to look at my inner peace.

Here it is reprinted but it can be found at www.symptomsofinnerpeace.net

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
by Saskia Davis

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears
based on past experiences

An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment

A loss of interest in judging other people

A loss of interest in judging self

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others

A loss of interest in conflict

A loss of ability to worry

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation

Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature

Frequent attacks of smiling

An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

An increased susceptibility to love extended by others and the uncontrollable urge to extend it


May each of the people in my life find the peace and solace in God. Conversations with God are a 2 sided thing. I did not understand for the longest time. Listening to God and understanding God's guidance is a beautiful thing. Seeing God's Will in your life is OVERWHELMING and mind blowing. May I always find solace in God.

Peace, love and underpants :)

I know we were all given different talents and gifts...

Well, while I am waiting for the church pictures to upload to the insurance adjustor, thought I would blog. I felt inspired.

I suck at math. I am not bad at it. I SUCK!!! Had it not been for programs like Quicken and Microsoft Money, I should just never be allowed to handle money. So yesterday, I posted about the ball of yarn that was made just for me in beautiful harvest colors. Yesterday afternoon I decided it needed to be a shawl... a small wrap to accessorize clothes.

So what does that have to do with math you ask? Well, I am 2 inches into the knitting and was all in the zone and zen of the knitting process when I realized my count was off. HOW when I am only 2 inches into the process could my count be off. So, a frogging we will go.

I find it funny sometimes how God gives each of us these MIRACULOUS gifts. They are God's not ours. God cares for and nurtures every inch of our gifts. We embrace them and hopefully use them as God intended. But why aren't we all given a little of everything? Would it be too much to ask if I could count to 10- 20 - 30 without difficulty? I digress.

Sometimes we do need a little help. Maybe I have a friend out there who can help me count... I'm not kidding. Maybe I can share my gifts and talents with others more effectively. All that I have been given belongs to God. Of this I am sure. Just sometimes wish I had a little more in some areas.

Blessings to you all.

Inspire me

I have always been one who enjoys the process of creating. From early on, I loved to do lots of art type things. In college, I always took the classes that guaranteed that I would be able to create and use my words to show what I had learned.

During my ministry in Illinois, I discovered a new creative muse. I discovered paint and chalk and charcoal. I began to pour my devotions and my thoughts and my passions onto canvas and paper. I loved the creative process. Much of my art was feelings I had toward God, feelings I had toward myself. I began to want to explore different parts of the paint and see just what it would do when I combined colors and textures. How could the piece come alive?

Every artist at one time or another wants to paint "pretty" landscapes. We want to fully embrace the realism and thought process to recreate a photo of whatever the landscape is. I thought I wanted this. I was working on a series of pictures for Painting II that I knew had to be landscapes. The first one sucked. It just wasn't working. It was not a good piece and I knew it. I also knew that with oil paints, it wasn't gettin any better.

The second piece which is pictured above started out beautifully. I loved the way everything flowed together and really was what I wanted. Then I got to the stupid tree. It frustrated me and made me hate the WHOLE painting. Then I did it. In a fit of frustration, I put the brushes up and grabbed a pallette knife and just started smearing colors on top of colors. I blended colors, removed colors -- basically took alot of frustration out on this poor "pretty" landscape. While I did it, I HATED it. But, when I finished I understood alot more about my discovery and alot more about my need for expression through art.

Art is soothing to me. I love how artists can put their whole soul into something show a window to the world of that artist. Most times I would start my work and it would never end up where I had envisioned it. That was all part of the discovery of myself and my thoughts.

Now, I knit. I love the creation of pieces that I can give to others. I usually stick to small pieces. I love the colors and textures that can be created through 2 needles and yarn. This past month I was a part of a swap (think buying something for someone you don't know and you get something from someone else who has stalked you.) This time I was fortunate to have a "stalker" who instead of knitting me a handmade item, created yarn just for me. She dyed yarn in colors of the harvest and autumn just for me to now put my creativity into. That is a beautiful thing. I love to caress the yarn and dream of what it will become... it is all part of the creative process. (the pic of the yarn is what was created just for me. It is merino silk fingering weight yarn. Still dreaming for a bit on what it will become.)

I am a big ol' screwed up MESS... and that's ok.

I remember back when I trained acolytes -- the younger ones would get so preoccupied with lighting the candles in the "correct" order. They HAD to be lit from inside to outside on the way in and from the outside to inside on the way out. They would inevitably do it in the wrong order and FREAK OUT. I would tell them after church, "Did you burn the church down?" Their response -- well, no. "Well then, I guess it isn't all that bad is it?" What in our psyche makes us THAT worried about lighting candles in the CORRECT order?

I will be one of the first to admit that I am MESS. There are times when I get to the end of the day and thing "WHAT IN THE HECK WAS I THINKING?" I am disorganized. I am cluttered. I don't always eat right. I get upset with my family. I sin. I fall short of the Glory of God. I am a BIG OL' MESS!! I don't pray enough. I don't worship God like I should. I think bad thoughts. I judge others. (This shouldn't be a shock to anyone because we all do most of this from time to time.)

While growing up, I realized that my mother knew EVERYTHING I ever did wrong. I don't know if I believe in mother's intuition, but somehow and someway, my mother knew EVERY screw up I ever did usually before I did it. I discovered early as a child and adolescent that it was MUCH MUCH easier to admit that I screwed up. The punishment was so much easier. My sister never learned this valuable piece of information and what's more - she was a VERY bad liar. She would screw up and get this look of "WHO ME?" You could see right through her guilt.

One of my favorite books that I often read in the midst of my screw ups is "Messy Spirituality" by Michael Yaconelli. The back cover says it all. "What if genuine faith begins with admitting that we will never have our act completely together? Maybe messy disciples are exactly the kind of imperfect people Jesus came to earth for and whose company he actually enjoyed. If you want to find Jesus today, look for him in the midst of burned-out believers, moral misfits, religious incompetents ... men and women whose lives are, well, messy."

The other day I thanked a friend for being authentic. I don't know that I have ever done that before, but he comes with all his thoughts and foibles right there. He struggles and admits that he does not have the answers. So much in our life we have to be perfect. We have to put on this front that we have it ALL together. We don't want anyone to see us as less.

I have so many youth that tell me that they can't let people see them dirty. They have to have everything perfect. Why do we live in a society that doesn't let less than perfect people BE less than perfect. Why don't we as a society let people see us as vulnerable. I believe in a God that sees past my stupidness, my messed up CRAZY life and LOVES ME. God loves the imperfect messed up Mariesa. God grants me grace and calls me HIS. There is not a better feeling in the world.

obstacles that take us from God

Looking back, I should have just stayed in bed this morning. BUT I had to return a van by 6:30 am and get to church. It rained. That is an understatement. There is a song Michael W smith sings about "open the floodgates if heaven" that doesn't even come close to the realities I was faced with.

So I get to church to a flood. The whole morning changed. Often on Sundays esp mornings I don't get to worship because something pulls me away. Somebody creates my obstacle to worship. So, an inch of water in the Parish Hall, youth room, kitchen and CDC-learning ministries building created a definite OBSTACLE between God and me.

Why do we allow obstacles to God? Why do we let things take us away from worship and feeding our spirit? Is anything more important than my praise to God?

Things that have blocked me - obviously rainwater. Lots and lots of rainwater. That was my physical obstacle but I have had bats (yea bats) to be my obstacles. From God, money --money to live, money to give...money has taken me from God. My health- this has been part od my blogs so pretty explanatory. People - church members that HAVE to have something done immediately. As easy as this seems to deal with - yeah not so much.

But I think even more than the physical objects, probably one of my obstacles that tears me from my time with God is myself. Things that I am afraid and unsure of - things that I doubt. Anger and resentment all at one time or another has created an obstacle or barrier between God and me.

Another obstacle would be my sin. We all have sin. Or as my son calls it - bad choices mommy. We are not perfect people and we fail. Admitting our vulnerabilities and asking forgiveness brings us back.

May I be more aware of these obstacles and knock them down and grow in my relationship with God.

Finding God - the God things, moments of our lives.

I have noticed recently that I talk alot about the "it's a God thing" moments. I have some crazy awesome experiences of my life that I often have the opportunities to share with others. I think this opens my soul up, allows others to see the real me beyond all the chaos that might be on the outside.

So, these God things -- For these are moments when I realize that for whatever reason God is kicking me in the butt and saying, "Wake up! I am here." God is always with us and always walks right next to us and in our joys and our sorrows, but why don't we always see it?

My first memory of a God thing was probably about 5th grade. A friend and I wanted to go to camp. Camping Ministry has such an influence on people and it truly changed me. I think that was probably the first time I probably realized that God was not just around on Sunday mornings, but God was in SO many people and places.

Another moving "God thing" moment for me was when I realized that God was moving in my life. God was an active part of everything I did, the decisions, the places, God was inside me and moving me toward passionate places. This was another camp experience. It was during a devotion as a Counselor in Training. We were talking about the moment that I was actually having. I was asked, "When did you first see God active in your life?" At that moment for whatever reason, I looked up into the sky prayerfully trying to figure out what I was going to say that was not going to sound dumb or silly ... but really mean something. I saw the big dipper. This peaceful embrace came across me at that very moment and I realized that sitting their amongst those people was an awakening in me. I was at peace with that.

Alot of my "God thing" moments, tho, are not so shiny and happy. Many times I realize that at my deepest darkest places, God lifts me to a mountain top. Most know that I had a bad experience early in youth ministry. Experiences and frustrations that were ugly, ugly things. If I can say at any moment in my life that I was in "despair," that was the moment. I prayed that God would give me the answers I was looking for, eventhough I had NO idea what they were. I knew God's Will would be done but it was not happening fast enough for me.

I had to let go. I had to release the hate, the angers, the frustrations that were weighing so heavy of my heart and give them to God. The day before Cade was born, I got my answer. Pastor Ralph emailed me and asked when Cade was going to be born. He said he was praying for me and that the position I am in now opened up and was available for me to apply.

I have so many "God thing" moments. So many times, I have felt like God was always there but God is ALWAYS there. God is here now even in the writing of this blog. God is a part of me working through me and revealing himself to me in so many ways. Why then are there sometimes I take that for granted. There are moments in my life, I have to look for God. I get buried in the craziness of life and don't even think about God. But even in those times, God in his infinite, unconditional love is loving me. Even the messed up crazy sides of Mariesa - God is there.

One more little God thing story. There were many times in my first church, that I had to look for God. Situations, understandings just the daily grind. Sitting in my office one day, I noticed that there was a dove walking along my window ledge. I had my windows opened (frosted glass) and every now and then, the dove would almost look in on me. I found this odd. I thought it strange that this dove almost wanted in to my office. Then I realized that I needed that peace - I needed that embrace that God gives us so many times that we don't always accept. At that moment, I felt God wrapping his arms around me and I cried. I still don't know why and that isn't important. Ever since that moment, when I feel that I need to cry out to God - I am usually visited by a dove. Beautiful and awesome...

I want to be a fairy princess for Halloween

Trying to a blog is interesting from a Blackberry but not being able to have internet at home til next week. Let's see how this goes. But onto my thoughts.

In watching my son last night and how his little 4 year old mind works started me to wonder. When do we as children lose our sense of wonder and joy for life? When do we lose our sense of make believe and fantasy?

Cade comes home each night and immediately wants to be a pirate, a dinosaur, a puppy - any number of things. Immediately he will look at me and ask, mommy what do you want to be? WOW- what do I want to be? Do I even know how to make believe anymore?

Sometimes he will tell me what he wants to be depending on what he is pretending. The sad part is that a lot of times I have to be the mommy pirate that cooks the dinner.

So I wonder, when do we lose our sense of pretend? Why do we get so lost in the duties and responsibilities of life that we can't just BE?

I don't have the answer. I wish I did. We lose a little piece of ourselves when we don't create, when we don't get lost in the moment. We don't give ourselves permission to be silly to capture the humor and laughter of the moment.

What can I do? Well, I think I will start by having a campout with Cade tonight in our living room. We will get lost in the fun (and when daddy gets home - he can join in too!)

God is GREAT!

You know, I don't understand but when I start blogging and thinking about things music pops into my head. It consumes me to where I sing whatever song for the rest of the day. I guess as long as it is not "Wonderpets Wonderpets we're on our way... to help a baby seal and save the day" I am ok. But it is interesting that alot of times whatever devotion and prayer time I have is often encompassed with thoughts of a song, a hymn. Quite often it will be just a melody that I cannot even place. I think it sometimes is God talking to me ... letting me know whatever it is that I am supposed to be listening to.

Ok all that really doesn't have to do with God being great... BUT it is relevant.

As a child we learn - God is great. God is Good. Let us thank God for our food. AMEN. Why is God great? Why is God good? I don't know what I thought about this when I was little and don't really know that I will ever fully understand God's greatness even now. So, a song started going through my head. "Great are you" by Downhere. When I contemplated the "Calmer of the Storm" song yesterday, I started thinking about the song that started me listening to Downhere. "Because I'll never, hold the picture of the whole horizon in my view. Because I'll never rip the night in two it makes me wonder...who am I? Who am I and Great are you."

I don't often understand alot of what happens in the world. I don't have the infinite wisdom to comprehend the South Texas rain patterns where we have a hideous drought and then torrential flooding. I don't understand how great pain and suffering can come to some while others don't seem to ever get sick. Why is that? Is it supposed to make sense to us? I really don't think so.

God is God and I am not. That is a hard thing to grasp sometimes. God is so great and so GOD that all I can understand in my miniscule understanding is that God is in control. Now, I am a control freak. Thanks Nanny. I get my strong need for control from my maternal grandmother. I have to be in control and have to know the goal. Many may think I am spontaneous but really, thanks Nanny, I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL. So, letting go of this control and giving it to God really stinks sometimes. I can see that power struggle in so many places in my life. I want to know when I will get better, when sick. I have to have control over my whole schedule down to the littlest thing. (When Jody and I get busy busy this time of year, we often even schedule in family time so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle.)

There are times tho, when I let go of the control that is God's. Wow, that is freeing. Letting God have what is God's, all of it and letting God show me that God is in control. God controls ALL of it and I am merely HIS. Even typing that and rereading it makes me want to delete it and figure out where I am in control of all of this.

At camp, growing up I remember a Bible study where we were looking at creation. We were supposed to go stare at something and look at God's creation. I don't think I understood the activity then. It was a little confusing for a 7th grader. BUT, looking at one object for several minutes - you begin to notice things. You see deeper into the object and deeper into yourself. You begin to understand the GREATNESS of God that there is a WHOLE world of little objects that we can stare at. God created it all and it all is God's down to the minute little cracks and blemishes.

God is GREAT!