I am a big ol' screwed up MESS... and that's ok.

I remember back when I trained acolytes -- the younger ones would get so preoccupied with lighting the candles in the "correct" order. They HAD to be lit from inside to outside on the way in and from the outside to inside on the way out. They would inevitably do it in the wrong order and FREAK OUT. I would tell them after church, "Did you burn the church down?" Their response -- well, no. "Well then, I guess it isn't all that bad is it?" What in our psyche makes us THAT worried about lighting candles in the CORRECT order?

I will be one of the first to admit that I am MESS. There are times when I get to the end of the day and thing "WHAT IN THE HECK WAS I THINKING?" I am disorganized. I am cluttered. I don't always eat right. I get upset with my family. I sin. I fall short of the Glory of God. I am a BIG OL' MESS!! I don't pray enough. I don't worship God like I should. I think bad thoughts. I judge others. (This shouldn't be a shock to anyone because we all do most of this from time to time.)

While growing up, I realized that my mother knew EVERYTHING I ever did wrong. I don't know if I believe in mother's intuition, but somehow and someway, my mother knew EVERY screw up I ever did usually before I did it. I discovered early as a child and adolescent that it was MUCH MUCH easier to admit that I screwed up. The punishment was so much easier. My sister never learned this valuable piece of information and what's more - she was a VERY bad liar. She would screw up and get this look of "WHO ME?" You could see right through her guilt.

One of my favorite books that I often read in the midst of my screw ups is "Messy Spirituality" by Michael Yaconelli. The back cover says it all. "What if genuine faith begins with admitting that we will never have our act completely together? Maybe messy disciples are exactly the kind of imperfect people Jesus came to earth for and whose company he actually enjoyed. If you want to find Jesus today, look for him in the midst of burned-out believers, moral misfits, religious incompetents ... men and women whose lives are, well, messy."

The other day I thanked a friend for being authentic. I don't know that I have ever done that before, but he comes with all his thoughts and foibles right there. He struggles and admits that he does not have the answers. So much in our life we have to be perfect. We have to put on this front that we have it ALL together. We don't want anyone to see us as less.

I have so many youth that tell me that they can't let people see them dirty. They have to have everything perfect. Why do we live in a society that doesn't let less than perfect people BE less than perfect. Why don't we as a society let people see us as vulnerable. I believe in a God that sees past my stupidness, my messed up CRAZY life and LOVES ME. God loves the imperfect messed up Mariesa. God grants me grace and calls me HIS. There is not a better feeling in the world.