I am a horrible self-doubter

Evening worships at church are very different. Often we have healing services during that time. Last night, we celebrated the commemoration of St. Luke.

I enjoy these worship times. Evenings is where I can really let go and not have a whole lot of responsibility. I can worship. I play my violin during them but that is a way of worshiping and praising for me.

So... the healing service.

Different people have different understanding of healing services. You have the stereotypical Benny Hinn type thing. People come for many different reasons. They come to support loved ones in need of healing. They come to be blessed as healers and doctors and nurses. They come for healing themselves. They come for God to give them answers to questions about their own healing from cancer, diabetes... name your illness.

Then there is me. This is where the self-doubter comes in for me. We celebrated communion and following was the annointing with oil. Lots of self-doubt came in my head as I watched the heart transplant man... the woman in remission from cancer... the man with the hurt foot.. the family and friends of these people. The self-doubting Mariesa started saying, "Why are you up here? Why do you need healing? What are you getting out of this?" Wow my mind can really reek havoc on my silent times. As Pastor got closer to me, I was really ripping myself up over this. Was I really worthy of hearing those words that so many others had heard? Was I worthy of healing from God when I really was unsure by now, or at least my self-doubting self was.

And then he was to me. He annointed my head and said those healing words and I was humbled. I don't have any crazy illness reeking havoc on my body. "Help Mariesa to be whole." At that moment, I smiled. I don't know if it was a real smile or just my heart smiling.

I may not need physical healing, but we all need healing. We all need to know that we are torn up souls. We are imperfect, sinning people and through the power of the Holy Spirit we are made whole, complete.

At that moment, my senses were heightened. Pastor uses nard. Biblically nard can be found in John 12:3:
Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she
poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the
house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

That smell filled my senses. It was the most peaceful smell I could have smelled at that moment. It was beautiful.

So I may not have needed physical healing at that moment, but I needed the healing of understanding in my own brain that I needed to be made whole. I needed to be in balance and find the peace within me.

AMEN